A mass of writhing arms and desperate fingers all outstretched and grasping for lifeforce clamors around me. The lights are blinding and all we can hear is the incessant droning of some pacifying music in the distance. I hear orders being spouted left and right from the void. It is impossibly hot in the crowd. Every surging movement of the horde ripples across me and I feel like I am trapped within the hull of some ancient ship churning on the darkest seas. Black liquid pours through tubes on the walls across from us and, though I know its foul taste well, I feel drawn to it in my despair. The world around me is fading. The black fluid is the only substance that might sustain me…
No, that’s not an excerpt from my upcoming dystopian novel. I’m just at Starbucks.
Starbucks is one of those places that reminds me why I might have picked the wrong hobby. There are few things on Earth that I enjoy more than sitting peacefully—usually with my fiancée—enjoying a cup of coffee and just talking for hours on end. When I’m trying to write, I usually seek the sweet, silent refuge of my local public library, but just for today I ventured over to Starbucks to enjoy a different atmosphere. Here, everything is loud and tense—a loudness and tenseness ironically soundtracked by the soothing serenade of some laid back indie group I’ve never heard of. People keep giving me scathing looks because here I am sitting alone in the madness just enjoying a cup of coffee by myself. Most of these folks who look so annoyed haven’t even purchased anything; they’re just staring at me, laptops in hand, waiting to see if I’ll finally move so that they can have the outlet next to me. Oh, I’m sorry! Am I in your office??? Excuse me for drinking coffee…at a Starbucks.
And, before you say anything, yes I realize that I’m obviously writing this on my own laptop and, yes, I’m still at Starbucks. I’m not that clueless. I actually did give up my original spot so that someone could have the outlet. I’m now typing in one of the cushy chairs by myself. The point is I BOUGHT COFFEE. Also, it would appear that everyone’s just looking for an outlet. That’s kind of profound, right?
But since I’m at Starbucks and since I’m quite annoyed by the vibe here, I thought I’d weigh in on a few of my indie author annoyances and see what others have to say. This list could (and probably should) go on and on and on. Tell me your annoyances in the comments! I’ll bet I share most of them 
1. Facebook – Facebook has probably cost me more time as a writer than any other force on the planet. Why? Because every single author my age does this: Sit down, prepare to write, pause, check Facebook just one last time, keep checking Facebook, Facebook stalk, play random Facebook game, make note to write tomorrow, go to work. Okay, I’m not that bad. But you know why Shakespeare was so damn prolific? Because he didn’t have to worry about Facebook! As writers, we have to learn to resist that temptation to check our email or Facebook “one last time” before we start writing. I say, reverse your state of mind. “Today, I think I’ll write just one more page before I check Facebook”.
“AGENTS, WHY YOU NO GIVE ME HONESTY?”
2. Form Rejections – We all receive rejection letters. If you aren’t enduring rejection, you’re doing something wrong. Rejection is not failure; it is only a divot on the road to success. That might sound pretty contrived but I actually just thought of it and I stand by my statement. Believe me, I get the need for rejection letters from agents. I even understand the need for form rejection letters. No one is more sympathetic to the amount of work that falls into agencies’ laps every day than I am.
It’s the lack of accountability and bulls*** that irritates me in form rejection letters. I only want to hear one thing from an agent who doesn’t want my book and doesn’t have time to tell me why: “No.” I’ll be annoyed by that, too, believe me, but I’ll understand and respect the agent’s terseness. It’s the following statements that I hate hearing from agencies: “It’s just not a good fit for us.” “It’s not right for us at this time.” “Our rejection should not be taken as an indictment of your work or ability.” That last one always gets me. Oh, I’m sorry for interpreting your rejection as rejection. And what is “not a good fit for us” supposed to mean? “We aren’t currently accepting good writing”? I would rather receive a form rejection telling me my book is “absolutely terrible”. At least that would tell me to regroup and start from scratch instead of leaving me to tread water because an agency could not afford to take accountability for its own dismissal of my book. Finally, that brings us to “not a good fit for us at this time”, which implies to me that an agency is basically telling me “We could conceive of a future or parallel universe where perhaps your work would be considered publishable. We advise you to seek out a time machine or the device from Sliders.” I’ll get right on that, agents.
Four shots of espresso and I start talking like him, too.
3. This Chick’s Voice at Starbucks: This wasn’t originally going to be on this list but in the twenty minutes now that I’ve been writing this entry, her voice has climbed to #3. This barista’s voice is somewhere between Bill Cosby, Gollum, and Rosanne, I s*** you not. It would almost be impressive if it weren’t so damn grating. And for some reason she keeps shouting German and giggling. Thank you, Starbucks, for hiring only America’s finest. On the bright side, sitting at Starbucks actually reminds me of a funny thing a friend of mine said a few months ago. I told her one of my friends was studying to become a “barrister”. My friend pauses for a second and looks me square in the eye before saying, “She’s studying to work at Starbucks?” (rimshot)
4. Writer’s Block – It had to be on the list somewhere, right? I did a whole entry on WB a few weeks ago so I’m not going to dwell on it all over again. One thing is certain: There is nothing more annoying than being in the middle of penning a great novel and suddenly not knowing what happens next. When you have two really exciting scenes, but you don’t know how to connect them, your instinct might be to just throw up a bridge and hope for the best. If you’re like me, though, doing this is usually what brings your narrative to a screeching halt because the bridge is built on a solid foundation of boring. Never settle for a rickety wooden bridge when your mind is capable of The Golden Gate Bridge. Sometimes all you need is patience, but the experience itself can be quite annoying for sure.
BRAIN, WHY YOU NO WORK WHEN I NEEDS YOU NOW???
5. Forgetting to Write Down a Great Idea – I think this is the twentieth time I’ve mentioned on this blog that I get most of my really good ideas just as I’m laying down to sleep, which is terrible for sleep, but great for productivity. A few years ago, when I was just embarking on my first attempt at writing a novel, I used to just let those ideas sit until morning. Usually, I would remember the really great ideas and forget some of the smaller detail stuff at about 65% success. But let’s just say I forgot to write down five great ideas in my lifetime. Well, that’s FIVE great ideas that I’ll never get to see blossom. That could be FIVE opportunities that I missed—FIVE books I failed to publish. Nobody likes to linger on the one that got away, but the best way to keep those ideas from falling into that oblivion where you keep “that one guy’s name from high school”, “the place with that awesome cheeseburger”, and “the name of that one movie…you know which one I’m talking about…it had the guy doing the thing,” is to WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING. Here, I’ll get you a pen. You should probably write that down.
6. Cardigans – Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
7. Other Indie Authors – Oh, don’t get indignant. We’re supposed to be laughing WITH each other. There is no question that this article would not be complete without us. If you’re following me on Twitter, you’ve probably been annoyed by the like 180 comments that my Tweet Bot posts every day. Trust me, I wouldn’t be insulted if you told me that. I’m annoyed that I have to do that to you folks, but it’s the only way I know to consistently promote this website and my books and make money. I’m 26 years old and I have bills to pay. I know for a fact that I annoy some people. It can also be annoying for some of us to receive constant questions from other writers regarding fairly mundane things like “how do I format an e-book?” or “what’s the best way to get published?” There are HUNDREDS of books and websites on both of these EXTREMELY COMPLICATED issues and, as for the second one, I pretty much devote a whole freaking website to it so WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME DIRECTLY??? I love aspiring writers and I love sharing battle stories and lessons, but I do get annoyed by people who act like they expect me to do their homework for them. Fortunately, 98% of you don’t meet that description. Why? Because 75% of you are awesome (!!!)…and the other 23% of you are spambots trying to sell me hair products.
Sean Quote: “Landing a literary agent is not about catching the biggest fish; it’s about making sure your paddle is big enough to knock out whatever you happen to reel in.”
I thought I’d be bold enough to add to your list.
Twitter and email stand equal to facebook in their ability to pull on my sleeve while I’m trying to act like an author.
I not only got a form letter for a rejection, but 8 weeks before that, I got a form letter as an acknowledgement they’d received my manuscript. Never spoke to a soul…which is just as well..didn’t like the bastards, anyway…
Twitter denizens. Particularly the ones who answer my follow with a response like, “Thanks for the follow. Check out my new book ‘Jamie and the Mud Monster’ available at Jackanapes Books.” I mean, couldn’t you at least say hello before jamming your work down my throat?
This post is absolutely great enough that I’m going to press it. Aren’t you thrilled?
Write on, brother
Yeah, Twitter has definitely come to rival Facebook for me, too. If I didn’t let a bot handle most of my tweeting, it would probably take up two or three times what Facebook does for me. Thanks for the repress
What makes me irritable (the root cause of your Starbucks problem): Coffee shops with an outlet-to-customer ratio of about 1:20. I went to a Barnes and Noble Starbucks cafe a couple of weeks ago with no outlet in sight. Not one! The barista kindly pointed me to a hidden outlet in the middle of the floor. So there I sat, in the middle of the cafe, in the way of most people standing in line. In my perfect world, cafes would not open to the public until wall outlets were installed next to every table.
Maybe it’s like a Harry Potter thing. Maybe you have to BELIEVE in the outlet first. In this Starbucks’ defense, the outlets are plentiful. And now the crowd has dissipated so it’s actually quite pleasant here. This particular Starbucks’ problem is a lack of parking places. There’s always a shortage of something!
Hitting ALL the buttons here, that man.. excellent post ‘—I’m following your blog now, so i’ve something else to blame for distracting me from my own fabulous writing.. cheers !!
:)
“I’m following your blog now, so i’ve something else to blame for distracting me from my own fabulous writing”
No! My plan backfired! Haha, thanks for following. I appreciate the kind words.
Ugh, I hate forgetting to write down an idea! Then it’s always just out of reach in my brain, but I can’t remember it… Oh wait, I’ve got it!!! … Oh, nope, not it… Wait… WAIT… No.
(:
Yeah, sometimes I might be able to remember a part of it but not the whole thing or why I was initially so excited about it in the first place. Totally.
Best first paragraph in the history of blogging….!
And, yet, I’ll never see a dime of that prize money.
“Today, I think I’ll write just one more page before I check Facebook”. Wow, thanks, Sean! That’s just about the best advice I’ve gotten in a long time.
Love this post, really! I am writing my debut novel now, working on the research. It has taken me all these years (yes, I’m kinda old…:) ) to venture into a work longer than a short story. In the meantime, I also write a blog for debut authors. Facebook and Twitter do take up a lot of time. It is hard to discipline ourselves sometimes, but it is great to have all the technology that we do. Maybe I would have started sooner if we had this back when I was your age..
Anyway, thanks for the great insights and i will be happy to press it also…… Have a great weekend!
Thank you! And sometimes great stories are worth the wait. Don’t be discouraged by how long it has taken you! Writing is a gift we give ourselves. You should always feel proud for putting in the time and effort!
If your blog wasn’t so good I could get down to some serious writing. Not in S/b, though. Their tea is horrible.
Thanks, Man. And Starbucks has tea??? (Shudder) I feel like a ghost just passed through me.
I enjoyed your post, Sean! I’m a beginner writer, so it’s great to hear others’ experiences and tips! I, too, liked the statement about writing just a bit more before going on to email or facebook! Great idea, seems like it would avoid procrastination very nicely!!
Great article…I almost want to find this Starbucks just to experience the awful voice of the barista and see if I can still concentrate on writing. Seems like a good test. Keep up the good blog.
One of my biggest issues is reading advice blogs, haha. Instead of writing, I’ll sit and read about writing. Do this, don’t do that. I found that a lot of the advice conflicts and is based on the person’s personal preferences. Your posts are very helpful. The type I’m talking about are the “You shouldn’t use the word ‘just’… ever!” Well, I just can’t accept that
I’m the same age as you. Been trying to get published since 2008. Totally agree with the form letters. Got a form rejection last week and it said “We send this form rejection so you can continue querying without delay.” Um. Ok. The other one that bothered me was the secretary rejection. The agent had his secretary reject me. “Mr. So&So has asked me to inform you that he is not interested in your book.” Whatever, bro.
Finally, needy boyfriends/girlfriends. I dated this guy, who I told up front that I was in the process of writing a book, and he was so needy. When I’d tell him “Hey, I can’t talk. I’m working on my book. We’ll go out this weekend.” He’d get pissed at me, but this guy would call me every five minutes! He told me I was going to end up a wrinkled old hag with cats. Not exactly something you should tell your girlfriend. I broke up with him. Through a very, very lengthy e-mail
Needy boyfriends/girlfriends, that kind of makes me think of a book I just posted about on my own blog. Have you read Quiet by Susan Cain? I find it a fascinating book! Some of it discusses relationships particularly between introverted individuals and extroverted individuals. Or those individuals that lean in either direction, as no one is necessarily completely one or the other.
Yeah, as much as I love writing this blog, I find it frustrating reading advice blogs by published authors whose advice seems to spiral into this black whirlpool of grammar oblivion. Your “just” example sounds like others I’ve read. Yesterday I found an author who said to never ever use the word “only”. I’ll probably write a parody piece on that in the next few weeks, something like “if an aspiring author wishes to succeed in this industry, he or she must never use the word ‘the’ or ‘tomahawk’.”
1.Being snubbed by traditionally published authors 2. People who try or succeed at writing a book to merely try to make money off it because some dumbass told them writing books is easy money 3.Then those people think they know everything there is about the publish industry 4.Celebrities who write books 5.Other writers who can’t take a crit or advice and only want you to blow some up their bum 6. Book reviewers who blow you off 7.People who lose their smiles when you tell them you are an INDIE author. “Oh, so you’re not a REAL author?” —- “Yes, I am a REAL author. I do the same damn thing THEY do.” —— >And that is my top seven.
Agree!!!
I have to start off by saying, I hate Starbucks. Their hot chocolates are crap (I don’t drink coffee) and their sandwiches are, well, not what I want to part money for. SB rant over. Now on to other things.
I don’t get sucked in by social media, mostly because I can take it or leave it. I have to work up to it because I need to engage my brain into a new gear. I feel better if I’ve written something before I get onto stuff like that. Some people like the dessert before the main meal. I can’t have the treat first if I know the meal is going to be harder to eat after something sweet.
Okay, rejection letters. I’m with you on this one. Why bother with the sentiment of ‘this is not a reflection of you as a writer’ etc… and have me waste hours trying to read between the lines when there are none. Yes, I would prefer to receive a ‘No’.
Twitter. Hate automated DMs from people I don’t know. If people plug their blog, I plug it right back. I don’t do it first, because it’s rude to assume people want to read your thoughts. Converse on Twitter first.
People who say they would love to write but can’t start. There’s nothing wrong with having a dream to write and not actually writing anything, but constantly repeating how you can’t, can be a little repetitious. Get out there and do it if its something you want to do. There are rule books, there are how-to books but you won’t learn anything from them if you haven’t written a word.
Got a new rejection letter today: “We’re afraid your book is not quite right for us at this time.” Not QUITE??? I didn’t realize my rejection was subject to gradation, i.e. “It was ALMOST right for us.” If you could hold up two fingers and space them apart such that they indicate how far off I was, I would really appreciate the empty gesture. Bulls*** like this almost makes me want to send a message back saying, “I’m afraid your rejection letter was not quite right for ME at this time.” Why I oughta…