(Wow. You know you have a good article when you sit down to start outlining it and suddenly you find yourself scribbling the last sentence, PERIOD. I had fun writing this one. I hope you’ll enjoy it. It’s extra snarky with a side of snark. Let me know what you think!)
I love reading reviews. Movie reviews, book reviews, video game reviews… I love comments and observations that get me excited about something I’m about to experience. I hate reading reviews of my own work. If the review is positive, I worry about getting an ego or I worry that I won’t learn anything from the critique. If the review is negative, I want to throw myself off a bridge because someone didn’t like my work that I spent almost a year crafting. I imagine it would feel like someone coming up to my future child, looking him or her over, shrugging, and slapping a sticker on my kid’s forehead that says “2 Stars”. Everything I make is “5 Star” material in my own mind. I think most people feel that way. If my book weren’t the next big thing to me, I would never let it see the light of day.
This website just made its third Seal reference. They said it couldn’t be done. They tried to tell me I was MAD…
I’m not going to write an entry about how much I hate bad reviews, though. We all get them. They’re a part of life. Just remember that any time you get a bad review and you feel worthless and sour in spirits, that’s why God created Seal and that’s why Seal created “Kiss From a Rose”. Crank that volume up and suddenly you’re back in a good place. BAY-BAYYYY I COMPARE YA TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THE GRAY! Whatever the Hell that means.
Where was I?
Ah, yes. I love reading reviews. However, I am frequently dumbfounded by some of the comments I see in reviews, so I wanted to give some fun (but helpful) advice to potential reviewers on how to give a review. My first piece of advice? Give everything I write five stars. …Did it work? No? Okay, scratch that. You can’t blame me for trying, though, right? Okay, let’s get serious. Here are some observations I’ve made about reviewing and what pisses me off royally when I read them. Most of these observations aren’t even in regard to my own work.
Don’t Dock My Book for Not Being Something It ISN’T! Ah, double negatives. In trying to market my new book Naked in Korea, I did a fair amount of research on what other people had already written about teaching in Korea. One thing I found in a few reviews for various books that made me feel sorry for the author was the following comment: “I didn’t think the book talked enough about traveling around Korea”. At least one of those comments was made about a book that was literally called “Teaching in Korea”. To that reviewer I would say, it looks like you picked up the WRONG DAMN BOOK, but of course he or she went ahead and abused the writer by giving the book two out of five stars. Somehow it was the writer’s fault for not delivering on a promise that he or she never made in the first place.
Additional research has revealed that Madagascar DOES have monkeys. Bourgeois monkeys…
It would be like me writing a book called “Oranges: The Untold Story” and having a reviewer slam my book for not going into “bananas”. It would be like me writing a book called “The Monkeys of Brazil” and having someone slam my book for not going into “monkeys of Madagascar”. Madagascar might have the most amazing damn monkeys you’ve ever seen (does Madagascar have monkeys? I saw the animated films but it’s been a while), but if my book is about Brazilian monkeys, I am in no way obligated to leave that country!
So for Pete’s sake, reviewers, before you slam a writer or a book, ask yourself whether or not your criticism is valid. It might be! I’m not saying you shouldn’t be critical! But in all of my reviews for “Prometheus”, never once do I slam that film for not being “Alien”. I slam it for being an incompetent piece of garbage that I wouldn’t leave playing in an empty apartment for my dogs to watch.
That movie I keep talking about.
Don’t Dock My Story for Being What It Is! The inspiration for this article came from a review I read a few minutes ago for the movie “Amor Es Perros”. The movie is pretty brutal, especially in the first half, because of its graphic depiction of dog-fighting (it’s all staged, I promised). In case you’re curious, the movie ultimately explores the animalistic traits of our own interpersonal relationships through the way we treat animals. It’s actually quite profound and gets better as it goes, ending with a flourish of brilliance that had me in tears. I rarely use the phrase “cinematic poetry” (in fact, I never use that phrase; I don’t know what I said that), but this movie came close to embodying that idea for me…
And then you had this chick on Facebook who gave the movie “two stars” because she “didn’t like the dog-fighting”. I had to slap myself across the forehead. Please, readers: Whenever you are shocked by something in a book or movie, as yourself whether or not the shock is artistically deliberate and if it carries a message, or if the shock is just a cheap ploy. Cheap shock’s do not merit good reviews, but the other kind of shock MIGHT. In slamming a movie for its central metaphor, even a violent and morally offensive one, YOU become the dog viciously ripping out the throat of a potential work of art. Slamming “Amor Es Perros” for dog-fighting is like slamming “Schindler’s List” for showing The Holocaust! Do a little research and understand what you’re getting yourself into beforehand. No one is trying to make you endorse dog-fighting (unless there was a Michael Vick cameo in that movie that I missed completely). That film was trying to take you some place and you refused to follow! The fault is with you, not the author/director.
4 Stars? What the Hell is that?? (Warning: The following observation is intended more as satire. It should be considered humorous while carrying shades of the way I actually feel about this subject. )
Then again…If my choice is between getting 4 Stars or a big fat “ZERO”, I think I’ll take the 4 Stars and cut my losses.
My more misogynistic male friends have this system that they developed in college where basically the score girls by attractiveness on a “binary system”. If a girl is attractive, she gets a “1”. If she isn’t, she gets a “0”. They say, why beat around the bush? Why bother nitpicking over 7s, 8s, and 9s, when the only two scores that really matter are whether you find her attractive or not. I’m not going to comment on THEIR usage of the system, but I WOULD employ a binary system for reviews. Do you give the book a PASS or don’t you? That’s my question. At the risk of sounding like somewhat of a jerk, I get annoyed at receiving 4-Star reviews on Amazon. You couldn’t just give it a 5 to help me out as an independent author? 4-Star reviews might be more honest, and I respect that, but save it for Stephen King! You know what I don’t have that Stephen King has? An army of agents, publishers, commentators, experts, etc. at his command. I can only work with what I have and, frankly, 5-star reviews help me a lot more than 4-Star reviews on an outlet like Amazon. So, as much as I value and, in fact, WORSHIP your noble intentions, I’d like to ask you, on behalf of all struggling independent writers, to just give us the “5” if you really like the book. If a “4” is what you feel in your heart, whisper it in my ear, and that will be our little secret.
The question is: Do you find our books attractive, or don’t you?
…I hope this article was funny. I doubt that it was helpful. Judging by some of the comments I’ve received on this site, there are a lot of people who come by here who feel my pain on a number of these issues and I just want to reach out to you all every now and then to let you know that I feel your pain. Vent away! We’re all in this together, fellow writers!
CONUNDRUM got slammed for being weak as an autobiography. It starts with me waking up in the year 2127, and leaving Earth on a starship that makes it out past the Heliosphere and stuff. Yeah, reviewer, that’s autobiographical all right.
You’re comment about jumping off a bridge is alarming as I prepare to release my first ebook.
Now, do you want a mix of 5 star and 1 star reviews? If all you get are 5-star reviews does that look suspect?
I was going to give you 5-stars, but then you mocked my favorite 4-star review so I considered giving you 3 just to show you, but I found the humor in it all so jacked it up to 4, but out of pity I’ll give you 5. Great guide! And I like your style.
T.H. Kendle
Wow, wow, wow! I came across this post from RTing someone who RT’d (is that the past tense of RT?) me on twitter (@JoeyPinkney). Since I review as a profession, a meager one I might add, I wanted to see what this interview would provide.
I nodded in agreement all the way through this. I mean, you were point on with reviewing the book in the context of what the book review was intended for, not what your mental scars as a person wants to ooze into your review. (There are a few book reviewers who use their reviews as psychotherapy sessions, or something…)
That Seal song, I’m going to add that into my repertoire. Amores Perros, a movie that I try to describe to people only to get blank stares. I love that movie.
I really wish that the book reviews were on a binary system. Then you would have to read my review to see what I really thought of the book. I’ve said in the past that I wish I didn’t have to use a point/star system, just words… To that end, even as a paid reviewer, I have given 2s and 3s to books by indie authors. (I have yet to give a 1, thank God…)
Thanks for the laughs. More so, thank you for really putting a proper book review in perspective.
Perhaps you overlooked another category of the 1-star and 2-star rating — the “Don’t Dock My Story for Being About Real Events You Don’t Want To See In Print” category. Recently I published a fictional story inspired by true events in the autism community. It was well-received by members of various disability communities, much to the dismay of a small group of autism advocate malcontents who then decided to bad-mouth my book. Someone got brave enough to post a “review” that I’ve left standing since I believe that everyone has the right to a good chuckle every now and again.
“…I hope this article was funny. I doubt that it was helpful.”
Funny and helpful, actually. I liked your observation about using the binary code rating system. It really does make sense! Four-star reviews sometimes seem like the excuse of a reviewer who just doesn’t want to appear overly enthusiastic about someone else’s product by handing out five stars instead.
Or you get the comments that go “If I could give this three and a half stars I would.” In those cases I imagine the author to be like the unlucky spider caught in a jar by a kid who’s deciding whether to pull three of its legs off, or just two.
… And my metaphor just got overly gross/disturbing. I apologise.
Love your snark! And yes your article was funny. And helpful. From now on when reviewing a non-Stephen-King-type author I will give the 5-star rating. You know, if I like it.
Now I’m guessing Naked in Korea talks lots about being naked and I can rate it on that right? (That was my attempt at snark!)
Thanks! And there is nudity in “Naked in Korea”, but it’s all tasteful. My description of myself wearing Speedos at a Korean bathhouse, however, may cross a few lines.
Great article. I feel your frustration with 4 stars. You couldn’t just push it a touch? You left a rave review but then rated a 4? But sure beats the hell out of 2′s or 3′s. But I was told by an agent that all 5′s do look suspicious. Mom, sis, cousins, etc. etc.
You gave me a couple of chuckles this afternoon. If you want a 5 star from me you’re going to have to figure out the difference between your and you’re though
This article reminds me of a 1 star review I received for my Dark Urban Fantasy novel, “because it wasn’t Vampy-campy fun”………. and then there’s the one picking out a couple of minor typos in my book while making several typos in the 2 paragraph review……. Oh, we have to laugh! (or are those tears maybe not tears of laughter after al!?!?!) Well said!
The main problem with the star rating system is the need to have an infinite number of stars.I rated a Dave Duncan book 5 stars on Shelfari. Great book. Love it. Another of his books isn’t as good, I think, so I gave it 4 stars. Then I reviewed an indie book and gave it 4 stars. But… But it’s nowhere near as good as that 4 star Dave Duncan…Damn it. 3 1/2 for the indie then. But I’d previously given that to another book that wasn’t as good. So 3 3/4 stars then… Damn it.
I love this article!
I am going to write a guide to book reviewing for users of my website, would you mind if I linked back to this?
You make some good points better than I ever could!
Thank you!
In case you are interested: http://bookiio.com/index.php/how-to-write-a-good-book-review
I haven’t agreed with the binary system! 5 stars works much better for a site like mine to provide some way to rank the books.
Great perspective, great snark. Makes a lotta sense, so it’s practically logic, not snark.
Thanks for the honest opinion!
I vote 1 for the binary system.
You know, I think Amazon would benefit from doing something like this: when people go to leave a review of a book (or anything, really), have them answer the question “Does this review reference packaging, delivery, or item damage issues?” If the person answers “Yes,” then their “review” gets whisked off to customer service — which is where they should be complaining about this stuff anyway — instead of leaving a bad review on your book that has nothing to do with the content of the book itself.
Barring that, though, I wish there was some way to delete the reviews that are totally off-topic. I mean, if you bought my short story “The Care and Maintenance of Bonsai” thinking it was a guide to caring for bonsai when, in fact, it is a short piece comparing the BDSM relationship of a domme and his sub to the care and maintenance of bonsai, then maybe you should’ve read the description more carefully, y’know? The first word of my story, available in the online preview, is, after all, “Kneel.” Not a common beginning for a bonsai care manual!
Then again, some readers are never satisfied. So I guess we just have to let these things go.
Bonsai trees are little. Of course you’d have to kneel.
Whoops. I’m that 4 star reviewer. A book only gets 5 stars with me if I literally can’t put it down, or never once trip in the prose, or makes me sob uncontrollably. Four stars means “great job, people should buy this” just not “OMFSMTHISWASAMAZING”
We have written a few cook books and we were dismayed to find we had been given a 2 star review during the free promotional period.
Although hurt, we decided to look into it.
The reviewer had 2 points;
1) There was a review of the book by my mother. The reviewer decided they would perform a social service and point out that her surname was the same as mine. (Grr)
2) The measurements in the cook book were not in ‘cups’, they were only in grams, ounces, pints, litres, pinches, sprinkles and various other things.
So they gave us a 2 star review, slammed the book as an example of terribleness, told everyone they had deleted from their library and left.
This caused 2 things to happen.
Firstly, I left a reply (ALWAYS a bad idea when replying to a non-perfect review) stating that I was very sorry that I had not included the US measurements. I also let the reviewer know that, although she gave me life, I do not have carte-blanche control over what my mother does on the internet.
Secondly, I sat fuming in the office for an hour thinking of all the satisfyingly sadistic things I would like to do to the reviewer if ever I was lucky enough to come across them in a dark alley…
Third, and with some perspective, I systematically added all the US measurements to the cook books. I then began marketing them again.
To my surprise, following my reply to the review, the reviewer kindly removed their 2 star review.
All in all, I feel bad for slating the reviewer now because he/she helped to make the cook books open to a much wider audience. For this I thank them.
Ok, rant over,
Great blog by the way, funny, informative and helpful, cheers!
Daniel
CEO – A tiny publishing house in NE UK.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m glad the reviewer took down the review. You bring up a great point, though: Is it “illegal” for parents to review the books of their children? I don’t think it should be. There might be a conflict of interest, but a mother has a right to be a mother! Sometimes people become critical of the smallest things. Instead of looking at a book as a whole and objectively considering all its information, a reviewer might decide to dock a book two or even three stars just because one sentence you wrote rubbed him or her the wrong way. Great anecdote. Thanks again!
I really enjoyed reading this post, as much as I did all your others. Your blog get a 5* rating from me. And that’s a genuine 5*, not an, oops, I better give him 5* in case I piss him off 5*. I look forward to your new posts because I know you’ll make me laugh. You’ve succeeded every time – keep up the good work. Reviewing books is tricky. We all want 5* reviews, but that’s not realistic, as everyone brings different expectations with them when they pick up a book. Yes, I want 5* reviews, but I also want honesty. If you’re reviewing two books and you honestly thought they were both excellent, well then 5* for each is an obvious choice, but if you found one slightly better than the other, even though both were excellent, does that warrant giving the one you didn’t enjoy quite as much 4*? Tricky.
Hilarious! I agree. I will give you 10 stars for making my Monday Morning Maker post! I am so glad I came I across the link to your site! Have a great week!
I understand a lot of your points, but you don’t give people enough credit. Most people who read reviews that are misplaced can tell that the reviewer missed the point or concept entirely. It drives me nuts to read poorly written book reviews. However, I have a slight addiction to reading very well written 1-star reviews. You know the ones. The reviewer explains for nearly two or three pages exactly what did and did not work, what they liked and hated. Unfortunately, when it comes to crappy reviewers, we exist in a world where anyone can post a review whether it is valid or not.
I review a lot of books. In fact, I review every book I read on Goodreads. It is rare for me to give a book 5-stars. That book had to absolutely knock my socks off. 4-stars is my standard and it generally means I liked it a lot. Sometimes a book deserves a 1-star or 2-star, but I rank them based on their actual ability to tell a story. Let’s face it, there are books that are written terribly and have little entertainment value or literary merit.
It is rare that I give such low ratings, but I recently gave one for a favorite author and it almost hurt to do so. She just missed the mark with it. I was very familiar with the two major works that inspired her story and it was clear to me that she had missed the point of both works entirely. These two brilliant works were boild down to insipid teen YA concepts that had little impact. Anyway, sorry, went a little off the rails there.
I find myself giving a lot of 5 stars that possibly didn’t deserve them. I basically enjoy some books, but the poor professionalism bugs me. I hate typos on every page & writers who design their own covers (ALMOST ALWAYS A MISTAKE). I offered free cover design giveaways for a while, but nobody wanted them. (I am a professional designer & illustrator). So many writers think that if they can fumble through photoshop they are a graphic designer. That’s like me thinking I am a writer cuz I have gotten on my soap box here! Haha. I let an error 2 go for independent writers because I know they may not be able to afford the luxuries of Steven King ha. It just bugs me that they will not trade credit to a freelance illustrator or designer when they are asking everyone to give them a chance & the writer therefore makes a good book look bad with poor design & illustrations. There seem to be many people willing to read for errors for free. Just my 2 cents worth there.